


Show Me

by snowkatze



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Angst and Fluff, Enemies With Benefits, M/M, accidentally witnessed kiss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-31
Updated: 2017-08-31
Packaged: 2018-12-21 23:42:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,079
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11955168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snowkatze/pseuds/snowkatze
Summary: Simon and Baz share secret kisses. One day, Baz comes from football practise and they kiss in an abandoned class room. Unfortunately, they forget to lock the door.





	Show Me

It's a secret. Coming out of Snow's mouth, it doesn't sound dirty or shameful, he makes it sound like we're playing a game of Hide and Seek. But anything coming out of Snow's mouth sounds like a sweet melody to me, so long as he's holding my hand. And maybe I'm a lunatic for keeping this going, even though I know that I'll never be enough and that he'll never kiss me like he truly means it. I know that he'll never tell me that he loves me, yet every sound that he makes brings me to think that he does.

The real reason I'll never tell him off is the colour of his eyes; as blue as the sky I admired when I was only five years old. It's the softness of his skin; in contrast to the roughness of my fire holder's hands. It's those beautiful bronze curls that never oblige, in a way that I never could. It's the way I become an entirely different person when I can touch him; perhaps even someone I could like, in some way.

And maybe that makes a mad man of me, but I have no regrets. There's nothing that makes me feel more alive than his breath against my face, the moment before he kisses me. I wouldn't trade anything for that feeling I get when he looks at me with something resembling affection. And maybe that means that I'm desperate and pathetic, but I melt underneath his touch like a snowman in early spring. (One day, there'll be nothing left of me.)

When I come from football practise, I think about who I'd need for him to be, to be enough. To be someone he deserves. Oh, he deserves everything. A person who blooms in kindness instead of malice. A person who cares for him more than anything, who's not his enemy. Someone who he can trust completely. Someone who's alive, above anything else. And he deserves someone whose eyes he can lost in the way I can get lost in his. Someone with beautiful eyes, instead of awfully grey ones like me. Simon Snow deserves all the colours in the world. (Though, I suppose, I _can_ give him all the colours of the rainbow. In a sense.)

It's no surprise that he doesn't want to be seen with me, not even as friends. I get it. I won't be the one to blame him. And I'll still take whatever he's willing to give, even though it's neither love nor a healthy relationship. I don't think I'm allowed to ask for anything more.

I walk along the corridor, still in my sports wear, when suddenly I feel someone grab my wrist and pull me through a door.

“What the fuck -”

I'm about to go an a rant, but someone's lips shut me up. My eyes widen when I see that it's him – he's gripping my shirt and pressing me up against the closed door.

I push him off me slightly, to pant out: “Snow.”

He shoots me a lopsided grin that makes my knees go weak.

“Hi.”  
“Hi. But, uhm... Are you sure it's such a good idea to do this here?”  
I look around, even though we're alone in the class room.

“I mean... Someone might see.”  
“You should stop worrying so much.”

I look at him insecurely, and he narrows his eyebrows in concern.

“Hey... You're thinking too much. You should just... let it go.”  
“Snow.”  
I gulp.

“I'm not you. I'm not just gonna shut off my brain, to, to -”

“Let me show you,” he whispers, sinking his fingers in my head and as my eyes flutter closed, I know that he's won. I am well aware that any touch from him in this moment will either save or destroy me. Maybe both. Maybe I don't care any more.

The thing is, I've never felt anything like this before. I never knew life could be like this – full of excitement. Not frightful excitement, but a happy kind. And he knows these things – he knows how to make me lose my mind completely, to make me forget everything else.

And of course, I give in. I push him forward, until he hits the table with his back side. And I forget – that every moment now, someone could barge in and destroy everything between us, pull me out of my veil of happiness and back into reality. I don't want that. I want to keep playing this game of pretend, because it means that I get to hold his hand. And really, that's all I've ever wanted.

I trace his palm with my fingers, then intertwine them with mine. He lets me. It still feels like a miracle.

“You're so beautiful, Baz,” he mutters as he buries his other hand in my hair. Beautiful, perhaps, yet not enough. Could I ever have been the way he needed me to be?

My gaze falls to his lips. I know how soft they are, and the way he can move them against mine. I move closer to him, to let my nose brush against his. Then I press a kiss to his cheek, his forehead, the brink of his nose. I want to kiss every patch of his skin, like I'm exploring a map. I want to get to know every part of him. I want to get deep under his skin, and know every thought in his head. Reading Snow's thoughts is easy, his face is painfully obvious. But I'll never know him in the way I want to. He's never going to let me in his head.

Because he's good at shutting things out. He doesn't think about how I'm his enemy, how we're making a mistake, how we're going to have to tear each other to pieces one day. I envy him for his obliviousness. Because not knowing means not having to care.

I kiss him on the lips with all the hopeless desperation I've got, because this is the only thing I'm able to give him. I'll keep giving him pieces of me, until there's nothing left.

I kiss him, until my breath goes thin, and even longer, because I feel immortal against his lips.

I shouldn't have.

I can hear the door creak open, and I'm away from him in an instant, but I know that whoever just came in through that door still saw. And that means they'll know.

“Bunce,” I snarl. She stares at us wide-eyed. “How unfortunate. I'm afraid we'll have to kill you now. You know too much.”  
“Wow,” she answers. Nothing more. I slightly start trembling with nervousness, but I try to play it cool.

“Cat got your tongue?” I sneer and think about putting the spell on her. It'd be a start, at least. Then I direct my gaze to Snow, because this is mostly his fault. I told him this was a bad idea. But he just stands there with an open mouth, staring into space like an idiot.

“I... I just didn't expect... What the hell is going on here, Simon?”  
He blinks.  
“Uhm...”  
I'm on the brink of losing my composure, and I can't let that happen.

“Snow,” I say with furrowed eye brows and push him, just to get him moving again. And he does.

“Fuck,” he mutters, and suddenly he looks at me so uncertain and sorry that I want to pull him into a hug. Not that I ever would, obviously.

“I – I'm sorry, Baz – I didn't mean – I mean – Penny's not going to tell anyone. Right, Penny?”  
“What? Why are you keeping this a secret?”  
Does she honestly not know?

“Oh, it's just, uhm... Baz, he... he's not...”  
Bunce looks at us suspiciously, then it seems like she understands, and she nods, just once.

I wonder what he was trying to say. He's not, what? Normal? The kind of person you'd want to introduce to your parents? Actually, most parents like me, because I have excellent manners, but as a boyfriend – that's a different story. Maybe he was going to say that I'm not human. There's so many reasons why he wouldn't want to be my boyfriend (my serious, actual boyfriend), I can't even guess what he was going to say.

But I still blush, because I'm an idiot, and I wonder how long it will take him to get that I'm in way too deep for him. I know that he's stupid, but he can't be  _that_ stupid.

“So... Are you in love with each other?”  
“Penny!” Snow hisses. _Shit_.

“Ah, you're right. I don't even have to ask.”  
She winks. Aleister Crowley, can someone stop her?

“Hey, you two can take your time with this, but, just so you know, it's alright.”

She smiles at us and then walks out the door.

“I was going to talk to you about the exam tomorrow, Simon, but I see that you're busy,” she says before turning away.

Once she's closed the door, I let out a breath I didn't even realize I'd been holding.

“Shit, Snow. We have to be more careful.”

“I know, I'm sorry.”  
He seems embarrassed, and I can tell he feels guilty, which just makes me feel worse.

“Mm... I know you didn't want Penny to know, but, you, um, you can trust her. Okay?”  
“What... What do you mean?”  
He takes a deep breath.

“I mean that she's – she's cool. She won't -”  
“No, I meant, what do you mean, I didn't want Bunce to know?”  
“Uhm...”  
“ _You_ didn't want her to know. And I'm okay with that, don't worry. But don't pervert the facts.”

“That's not true. Of course I wanted to tell her, she's my best friend.”  
“Then why didn't you?”  
He stares at me like I'm a mystery he'll never be able to uncover.

“Because I thought you were uncomfortable with anyone knowing. Because you're not ready. And I thought Penny was included in that, too. I guess we should've talked about that. But... You know. Talking is not my strong spot.”  
“Are you – are you saying, you're not embarrassed by me?”  
“What?”

He takes my hand, as if to comfort me.

“Why would I be embarrassed?”  
I hesitate.

“Because everybody likes you – because of your magic – and nobody likes me – because I'm a vampire. I'm not the – the perfect boyfriend, who you'd like to show around. I'm not a person you'd be _proud of_ to be together with. And you wouldn't – you obviously wouldn't want to be seen with someone who you're not serious with anyways.”  
I avert my eyes. I can't stand looking at him. Why is he making me say this out loud? I'm completely fine with kissing behind closed curtains and never hold a serious conversation ever.

“We're – we're not serious?”

His voice is high pitched and gets caught up in his throat. He lets go of my hand, and I feel like I've said something wrong.

“Did you think – I mean, were you -”  
Now there's a tear streaming down his face. Fuck. I did this. I didn't even know I was capable of hurting him like that.

“You don't like me, Snow,” I assert.

“Fuck, what did you think why I was kissing you?”  
“Physical attraction?”  
“So that's what we've been doing, is it? Enemies with benefits? Gosh, I can't believe this.”  
“Simon -”

“No, I'm okay. I'm fine. It just seems like we weren't on the same page about things.”  
“And what page are you on, then?”  
He lifts his gaze, then averts it again.

“The one where I wait for the right moment to tell you that I'm in love with you.”  
“How about now?”  
He takes a little step towards me and grabs my hands. He pushes a strand of hair behind my ear and holds his hand there. My breath hitches in my throat.

“Fuck, Baz... You're so perfect. I'm hopelessly in love with you. How could it be any other way?”  
“We're supposed to be enemies.”  
“So... You're not... You don't...”  
“No, Snow. You don't understand. You don't even know how much I love you.”  
He smiles at me, tentatively.

“But that's okay,” I smile back. “I'll show you...”  
I kiss him in a way I've never kissed anyone before, and I trace the letters on his skin. I'll show him in the only way I know to – and I'll keep showing him every single day, until the moment I drown under his touch. 

 


End file.
